Don't Sweat the Meantime

My name is Christina Rogombé, I am twenty-seven years old and I am currently single. If there were levels to singlehood, I would be considered a severe case. If my DM’s were a landscape, the Sahara would envy its dryness. If all of my prospects were lined up in front of me, I’d be staring at an empty room. If my—well, you get the point: I am a single Christian woman in America. At times, older women come up to me and say, “So, are you dating?” with expectancy emanating from their hopeful smiles and when I say no, their countenance dissipates and they say, “It’s okay!” as they go on about a friend they had that married a lot later in life or enjoying singlehood by traveling. Nearly everyone I know around the same age or younger than me is in a long-term committed relationship, married or planning for it, and are even starting to grow their families. As a child, when I pictured what my life would be like by this time, I’d most likely be on kid number two, working a hoity toity job doing art somewhere in a big city, and have a tall, hunky husband to call my own. Well, the closest I’ve got was the number two and they’re not kids, they’re cats. Eye twitch. As I write this, the Lord is walking me through many important lessons about contentment, not worrying about the future, and getting back to my first love.

One of my first memories took place at three years old, knowing that I loved Jesus so much and that my mom was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. I remember exactly where I was in our tiny apartment, halfway between the bedrooms and the living room/kitchen. Jesus was simply my friend, and I felt that He was always with me protecting me from harm. I would shout to the Lord (taking after my parents who often warred in prayer), and I just knew that He’d answer. Luke 18:17: “Truly, I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child shall not enter it.” The faith that I had in early childhood was not without reason, but it wasn’t something that I could explain, it was simply a knowing. The older I got, the more that knowing waned and the further I got from my first love. At times, one might hear the term, “God is not a grandparent.” and that rings so very true. My parents weren’t always perfect, but they are strong believers and instilled faith in God into our lives from a young age. However, around twelve or so, I went to church just because it was Sunday and although I said I loved Jesus, I didn’t even remotely live like I did.

In middle school, my motto could’ve been, “Throw a rock, find a crush.” I constantly gorged on Seventeen Magazine for advice on dating and just about talked my older sister’s ears off about all things boy. Mind you, I was never truly engaged in studies unless it were something that I was genuinely intrigued by, so I had plenty of time on my hands to daydream while I should’ve been focusing on math (which I am still not terribly fond of). Most of the friends I had were guys and weren’t interested in me, but a girl could dream! Then came dreaded high school. I decided that I was done being mistaken as a boy (at the time, I had cornrows, thick eyebrows, often times sagging my pants while in sports attire, and once a woman kept yelling “Sir, sir!” at me during a track meet in front of the love of my seventh-grade life and I still shiver at the thought), so I started wearing more feminine clothes and putting effort into my physical appearance. Now instead of being cool, my guy friends got weird on me, and other guys at my school stared blankly, but rarely approached me. Three years later, I graduated by the skin of my teeth and afterwards, to put it nicely, pandemonium ensued. During my first year of community college, I met my first boyfriend and fell head over heels in a pit of despair and went through other incredibly unhealthy relationships for years, wasting my youth on things and people that frankly caused me to feel like I didn’t want to exist anymore. But God.

Now, I am currently waiting and learning how to do so with a heart of contentment. A lot of situations between God and I could be likened to a toddler that tires herself out after having a tantrum and a father patting her back as her eyes get heavy with sleep. I’m learning that some things that I held as time markers for my life aren’t there for good reasons and that the Lord knows what He’s doing. At times, the enemy creeps in and presents a charcuterie board of mistakes from the past saying, “If you didn’t do x, you’d be here already.” and it almost makes me want to ball up into a fetal position and cry, but Holy Spirit reminds me that the Lord redeems all. Worrying about the past will not rewrite history nor will focusing only on the future.

Falling in love with the Lord is a new song. The joys of asking Him questions, getting to know His humor, and seeing the way He orchestrates everything in such perfect harmony has been awesome to witness. Many times, the Lord has allowed me to see broken pieces falling into place to create a beautiful mosaic. Learning to trust Him is the most important thing that I have ever and will ever do with my life. Amidst the time that I have been waiting in singlehood, there has been so much that I have learned about the Lord, myself, and the world. At times, when I am feeling behind, I just have to sit myself down and review what God has done for me. Seeing His hand in my life and feeling His presence in situations where there was absolutely no way that I knew how something was going to work really humbled me. Contentment is so needed in order to function in our walk with God and is a continual and gradual process. I could only hope to wake up and every single problem that I have be solved, but that isn’t reality whatsoever and I think it would make life very boring, to be frank.

So, what are some practical ways to wait contently, you might ask? Well, I am definitely not a professional in this category, but here are some helpful things that I am learning (in no particular order). 1) Remember that giving your life to Jesus is the best thing you could ever do and that it is a walk not a chariot race. In the first maybe six months of my salvation, I began idolizing the idea of marriage because it seemed like the next step; the “Christian Bundle Deal”, if you will. I have heard and seen many young Christians shack up and figured that it seemed like the next logical course of action (which was a fantastical idea at best). Marriage is not the end all be all. I used to think that once I was in a relationship, all would be well in the world and that is so astronomically far from the truth. Only God can fulfill us to the degree that we ache for. There isn’t a problem with desiring marriage but remember that obsessing about it is putting the gift above the Giver. Being obsessive in itself is a display of a lack of trust because we feel a great need to control the outcome to go in our favor instead of trusting that the Lord has it in His hands. Be open to it, but not desperate for it. Frivolously rushing into things isn’t God’s will for our lives. We must apply God’s wisdom into every facet of our being. “For the Lord gives wisdom; From His mouth come knowledge and understanding;” –Proverbs 2:6. Ask the Lord for wisdom in the waiting and He will surely give it to you.

2) There are other things to do while you wait for marriage. Don’t just sit there twiddling your thumbs, get up and at ‘em! Although the pain of singlehood can sting at times (hyperbolic for dramatic effect), the older ladies are kind of right; utilizing your time by traveling and other cool stuff while single is an awesome way to enjoy this season! Start a hobby, find a group of like-minded individuals and have FUN…Life goes much too fast; in the blink of an eye, you’re older than you ever thought you’d be and the world doesn’t stop for you. Gain experiences but most importantly grow in God in them. There are so many things that I learned that I liked that I otherwise would not have known if I didn’t have this alone time. Writing this very devotional is something that I never thought I’d do! Bring the Lord into this time and cultivate a strong bond with Him. He really is a great Friend and there is truly never a dull moment with Him (and if ever a dull moment, thank God! What a great time to get creative!).

3) Figure out what you truly desire. Being alone gives you a great opportunity to truly find out what you value most in a person. If you lack standards, this is the perfect time to cultivate them. What are some qualities that would be make or break for your relationship? Red flags? Does he believe in what you believe in? How does he treat people close to him? Better yet, how does he treat people that cannot directly benefit him? Lately, I haven’t been really focused on physicality but primarily on the heart which matters above everything. Come up with in-depth questions about your desires and start sifting; he may not have everything on your list (or scroll, do you boo), but note what’s most important to you and the things that are more trivial. Remember that you’re not marrying a cardboard cutout and that you are taking an oath that (by God’s grace) will last the rest of your life. Mitigate your expectations if they are astronomical; maybe he doesn’t have millions of dollars in the bank and isn’t the son of a dignitary from a faraway land...and that’s okay! Pray that God’s will be done in your love life and focus on Him above all. Matthew 6:33: “But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you.””

4) Work on yourself…PLEASE. It shouldn’t be another person’s (apart from Holy Spirit’s) job to fix you or your spouse. Grow in grace for others and dig deep. Foster your existing relationships. At times God brings situations into your life to highlight where you need growth (and trust me, Holy Spirit is SWIFT with that highlighter…). Seek Godly counsel from trusted people that the Lord has set before you! Currently, I feel that the Lord is providing a lot of healing to my heart, perhaps He is doing the same with my future husband, and I am sure that we will heal and grow together as well in the future. Without asking the Lord to reveal places within you that need cleansed and listening to His gentle voice, it is possible to get lost in the sauce (stuck in your ways and unwilling to change or even see the need for it). A dangerous/foolish person is one that lacks self-awareness, chooses their way over wise council, or most importantly what God is saying. Mind you, we all have blind spots which is why it is awesome to have God-fearing people around you to lead you in the way of truth. When the Lord reveals things to you, or you hear a hard truth from a brother or sister in Christ that loves you enough to want you to do better, don’t self-condemn or let your pride take over and point fingers, ask the Lord to help you gain perspective. Remember that the enemy knows your weaknesses well, but that Jesus gave you power over him and his little minions. With the help of our precious Lord, we can and will overcome.

And just because it seems right to add a fifth, 5) Stop looking at everyone else’s story and comparing it to your own. We live in the age of social media where at the touch of a button, you have an insider look at a variety of people’s lives. And really, it’s not even their lives, more like blips of the highlights. Do you know that the most depressed people could appear like the happiest people you’ve ever seen on social media and there is no way you’d have an idea what they were feeling inside until you see their name in the headlines for an untimely demise? How many people have been exposed for engaging in egregious acts against humanity while smiling big and looking ever so friendly in their profile pictures? How many “couple goals” end up on the latest gossip blogs for being involved in a salacious scandal? Not to get grim on y’all, but it’s all smoke and mirrors. “But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth.” –James 3:14. Be real with God about how seeing other people booed up while you’re eating ice cream straight out of the tub in bed while watching cheesy PureFlix movies with your cat makes you feel (not that I’ve ever found myself in said situation…)! If you have any envy or bitterness in your heart, ask Him to uproot it from you. When you see a lovely Christian couple on your feed, don’t envy them but instead pray that the Lord strengthens their bond and that He gives you a heart that is ready to receive the amazing gifts that He has in store for you. Better yet, turn off your phone and touch grass, it’ll do your brain a huge favor.

If you are single and looking (or not looking for that matter because unfortunately it seems the many fish in the sea must’ve been sorely affected by pollution) or waiting on your next thing, just take a deep breath and know that God is not ignoring you, He’s preparing His very best for you. How cruel would it be to appoint an intern to be the CEO of a company with just a week of experience? There are so many stories along the way that God is writing with and for you. What the Lord is bringing you through now is preparing you for something that you very well might not see for years, but know that His will is so, so good. It’s hard at times to have perspective, but remember “Great is our Lord, and mighty in power; His understanding is infinite.” Psalm 147:5. Do you know how infinite infinite is? We cannot fathom it. The Lord has shown me that His ways are so much higher than mine so many times that when I recently had something that I was really hoping to come into fruition fall through the cracks, not in a subtle way but quite comically which made me laugh (at first to keep from crying), I just had to thank Him. Know that He knows what He’s doing and trust Him with your heart. Please don’t let the prospect of possible marriage or lack thereof discourage you or take the place of your true Groom, Jesus Christ of Nazareth. There is so much to learn and so much depth to love in Christ Jesus; He is a never-ending well of living water. When the time is right, maybe you’ll see someone running alongside you to meet Him and the rest will be not history, but His story (and YES, THAT WAS CORNY, but who cares so is romance). I leave you with a verse from Psalm 84:11: “For the Lord is a sun and shield; The Lord gives grace and glory; No good thing does He withhold from those who walk uprightly.”