Back to Basics

I was sitting on my bed after getting the wake-up call of all wake-up calls; God told my mom on me. I know how it sounds, but it’s completely true. I was living a life of darkness that was only getting darker. Up until that moment I was unaware of just how far I had gone. One day I was on the phone with my mom. We were having a casual conversation which I cherished as I was living away from her, chasing after what I thought was a life of freedom. Then, out of the blue, she paused and asked me a question. It was so out of left field because I knew she had no idea what I was doing at the time, and I surely wasn’t telling her because I knew how she’d react. It was like with the snap of a finger every delusion I had been living in ceased. It was one of the strangest things I have ever experienced. One moment, I was completely caught in a life that I called a “solipsistic techno dream” (I was really into hallucinogens back then) and then I was sitting on the floor of my room just flabbergasted that I could see clearly again.

After that moment, God began to move in my heart. I was incredibly torn and in shock. For so long, I had been living in a house of lies and just like that, it had gone to dust. For a lot of my life, I felt like I was alone, and that God wanted nothing to do with me after all I had done. But He was there, just waiting for me to come back home. The day before I rededicated my life to Christ, I remember hearing from Him, telling me to go to the altar. Of course, I agreed and came to church the next day in pieces. I looked crazy, at least to me; I’m pretty sure I was wearing a multi-colored beanie and mismatched clothing. I’d been struggling for so long and was feeling a wide range of emotions. All I knew was that I couldn’t go on the way I had been and I had no desire to.

When the service ended, I went up front, not really knowing what to expect. I was met by a kindly woman with a gentle touch named Pastor Angel Miller who was just so sweet that it broke me even more. She prayed over me, and I thanked her and sat back down, waiting for my mom to finish talking. On my left, I saw someone coming up to me and it was small but mighty Sister Janis Price, a friend of my mom’s that I had met briefly before (I had been coming to church, but had no interest in church at all, I just wanted to hang out with my mom and nephew). She spoke to me softly and led me into the sinner’s prayer which I had prayed many times before, but this Sunday, something was different. She told the pastor, Bishop Rich Miller, and he came up to me with a big hug and congratulated me saying, “Welcome to the family”. I had absolutely no idea what was happening, but I knew that my life would never be the same. Jesus and His special ops team of angels came to save me.

I got involved in church activities as soon as I could. Not because I felt a special calling at first, to be honest, but because I knew if I were left to my own devices, I’d fall and fall hard back into my old life. It was very important to replace the bad habits with good ones. As I go further and further into my walk, at a recent point I just wanted to do everything to please God, but in a way where I couldn’t feel the joy of simply being His child, not accepting His love for me, but trying to earn love from Him (which is impossible, He loves us more than we could ever know). Of course, at this time the enemy was also putting a lot of doubts in my head about God’s love for me and how He sees me, my place in the world, beating me up with spiritual warfare, and reminding me of my very shameful past regardless of the fact that 2 Corinthians 5:17 says, “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new.”

*Sigh* So where am I going with all of this? Back to the basics! Romans 5:8 reads: “But God commendeth His love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.” Think about just how crazy and sinful we were, how very lost—and then think that knowing all of this about you, Jesus thought of you personally when He died a brutal death on the cross. Knowing how badly He was going to suffer, He felt it was all worth it for the possibility to get to know you and give you a share of His beautiful kingdom. In this season of life, I am learning to receive and believe God’s love for me, even if I cannot fathom it with my human understanding. “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths.” from Proverbs 3:5-6 deconstructs the notion that human logic has anything to do with God’s power or His choices. So today, if you are in the same place as I am, just rest in the magnitude of God’s love; don’t overthink it, don’t try to doubt it, just believe Him. God wants to pour His love out on you today and every day.